To whom it may concern.

Dear upstairs neighbor -

You seem nice enough, but I can't help but question your taste in music. Loud music. Loud music accompanied by drumming against the floor. Loud music at 5am. Loud music at 11pm. I need more sleep than that, and maybe you should give the electric guitars a rest?

Dear Melissa L. Miller -

I know you used to live at the address we inhabit now, but you don't anymore. So your catalogs and bills shouldn't either. Most people forward their mail... but I think maybe you order more catalogs to this address, forgetting your own,  more current place of residence.
I don't want or need your Spanx catalogs - but did you know they now have Spanx for men? I don't want your clothes catalogs, your "The Way We Change" magazine, your "the most comfortable shoes in Britain" catalog, or your Harry and David catalog. I don't want a catalog full of blown glass ornaments, or one full of shoes that only come in white, black, or beige. No good. I'm not interested. I did enjoy leafing through the Urban Outfitters catalog, until I started to wonder if you were a forty-five year old British hipster with bad feet and three themed Christmas trees every year.

Thanks,

Elise O.